Shifting Our Response to Meltdowns and Shutdowns
From Fixing to Listening
Today, I want to share a simple yet profound shift in how we respond to meltdowns and shutdowns in our children, especially those who communicate differently.
It’s natural to want to fix things when our child is struggling. Our first instinct might be to ask, “What’s wrong? How can I help you stop this?” But sometimes, this question, though well-intentioned, can unintentionally reinforce the idea that something is broken or wrong with them.
What if, instead, we asked a different question?
“What are you trying to show me?”
This question changes everything.
It shifts us from trying to control a behaviour to listening with curiosity and presence. It honours our child’s inner world and recognises that their actions are often a form of communication, a way of expressing something they can’t yet put into words.
When we ask, “What are you trying to show me?”, we open a portal of understanding. We invite our child to reveal their inner landscape without judgment. We create a space where their emotions are not problems to be solved, but messages to be heard.
This doesn’t mean we ignore their distress. It means we meet it with resonant presence, a stillness that says, “I’m here. I’m listening. I’m not afraid of what you’re feeling.”
By changing our question, we change the field. We move from a dynamic of power and correction to one of co-regulation and attunement. We teach our children that their feelings are not too big, too loud, or too strange to be held.
Let’s practice this together.
The next time your child is in a meltdown or shutdown, pause, breathe. Inhale for 5, exhale for 5. Repeat 3 times, then gently ask, within your heart or aloud:
“What are you trying to show me?”
Then, listen, not just with your ears, but with your whole being.
Repetition is key. Do this practice as often as you can.
With gratitude and presence, Sara 💜
